Gag us with a spoon

This story, posted on Drudge today, should easily win this month's recepient of the Dan Rather Memorial Media Bias Award. Heck, it might even compete for the yearly honor. Permit me to waste time taking it apart, just for grins and giggles. That's what blogs are for, right?

The first paragraph sets up the story in a classic leftoslant fashion:

The latest Sacramento resident to be questioned by federal agents in possible threats against President Bush is a 14-year-old girl with a heart on her backpack and braces on her teeth, a freckle-nosed adolescent who is passionate about liberal politics and cute movie stars

Let's break that down with keywords. "Latest" suggests an alarming or increasing incidence of such visits. "With a heart on her backpack and braces on her teeth" and "freckle-nosed adolescent" and "cute movie stars" are pretty obvious--those Bush storm troopers were harrassing Haley Mills, for cryin' out loud!

Continuing:

Beneath the words "Kill Bush," Julia posted a cartoonish photo-collage of a knife stabbing the hand of the president. It was one of a few images Julia said she used to decorate an anti-Bush Web page she moderated...

"Photo-collage" and "decorate". Hey, it was just an art project, folks.

By this time some readers might have already cursed Bush and peeled off to the next story, which is sort of the point, I reckon. Not everyone reads the entirety of every story. Take this one, for example. Some readers will start reading then get bored and stop, still not getting the real story. They won't know what sad, pathetic little hobgoblins I think they are. Those still reading will find nothing but shameless praise for their persistence, of course. Besides, we're getting to the meat and potatoes:

Two Secret Service agents arrived at their Land Park home about 2:30 Wednesday afternoon, Kirstie Wilson said. They told her they wanted to speak with her daughter about threats to the president that she had posted on MySpace.

"She was in molecular biology, and I said I really didn't want to take her out of class for this," Kirstie Wilson said. "I said I'd make sure she came right home from school."

Aha. After giving us the impression they went straight to the school and frog-marched her out of class, we now find out they first visited her mom, June Cleaver, to ask permission. Amazingly Mrs. Cleaver asked the nice federal agents to wait until class was over. A possible reason soon follows:

Then Wilson sent her daughter a text message instructing her to come straight home from school.

Where I live it's customary that cell phones be turned off while kids are in class. After all, the mother didn't "want to disturb" her daughter's important molecular biology lesson.

"Are you serious!?!? omg. Am I in a lot of trouble"? her daughter replied, using common teenage shorthand for "Oh, my God."

Or, maybe this is how it went, "like, gag me with a spoon, mom, the SS wants to rap with me? Just for showing Bush getting stabbed? No wayyy." Perhaps we can get the Foley IM guys to track down the real text messages to make sure, since only al-Qaeda calls to America are a violation of civil liberties these days. And hey waitaminute--how dare she use the word "God" while in school. Someone please notify the ACLU, or the nearest al Qaeda guy.

"I told them I just really don't agree with Bush's politics," Julia said Thursday. "I don't have any plans of harming Bush in any way. I'm very peaceful; I just don't like Bush."

Very peaceful, except for the hateful death collages.

The group that got her in trouble was called something like "People who want to stab Bush" -- Julia said she doesn't remember the exact name because she soon changed it.

Right. Here's one more keyword analysis. "Something like" is designed to provide a small cloak of self-protection. We have no idea what the real name was since the reporter didn't bother to research it. Maybe it was "People who want to disembowel Bush with a Swiss Army knife"...or something.

"I was more than happy to have them talk to her about the severity of what she did. But I wanted to be here with her," Kirstie Wilson said.

McClatchy Assistant Principal Paul Belluomini said he usually does not notify parents when law enforcement officials come to school to interview students.

"Parents usually interfere with an investigation, so we usually don't notify them until it's done," he said.

Sacramento City Unified School District policy calls for parents to be notified but doesn't say whether it should happen before or after a student is interviewed. State law doesn't require parental notification.

Found it, buried way down there at the bottom.

Allow me to provide a condensed version:

"The Secret Service, after conducting a routine search engine sweep (something anyone can do on Google at home) finds a website full of young moonbats fantacizing about stabbing or otherwise harming their charge, the POTUS. They show up at her door and find her mother who stalls them with a cockamamie story about biology class then quickly test-messages her daughter to take cover. The daughter breaks protocol by using the cellphone in school, but it's too late, the feds show up. They ask some routine questions, make a judgement, then leave without further incident or charges. On the heels of this innocuous non-story her parents (or someone) tips a local sympathetic reporter at the Sac Bee, who writes this epic less than a month before the election".

All in one paragragh, no less!