Secrets of the Stimulus

It so happens that Fore Left has an insider informant working in the Congressional Research And Publications office who has provided the following update on items slipped into the stimulus bill at the last minute that nobody has yet noticed. Most were penciled-in, almost illegibly, in the margins, some even in foreign languages:

1. $50,000 for a Slurpee machine in the Capitol Rotunda that's capable of making the new 'pork rinds' flavor selection.

2. $275,000 for a Velvet Elvis Museum in Bucksnort, TN.

3. $1,233,994 to buy up the remaining copies of Valerie Plame's biography, making it an instant NYT best-seller (just as Karl Rove is called in front of Congress).

4. $2,888,889 for buttons. You can never have enough buttons.

5. $4,944,283 in cash, in small unmarked bills, to be sent to unnamed hospitals in Nairobi and Honolulu (?).

6. $21,450,000 to fund a new halfway house in Las Vegas to reform corrupt Illinois politicians and prostitutes.

7. $222,333,900 to equip every federal office in America with 'The Clapper', one for each room, to help make the federal government more energy efficient, a move that is estimated to save upwards of 600 dollars a year.

8. $1,340,000,000 to purchase the remaining satellite radio company, renaming it "Sky High Radio".

9. $2,000,000 to install Sky High radio on all new fuel-efficient cars purchased for the government fleet to help stabilize the new federal car company (to be announced next week) combining Chrysler, GM and Ford and to be called, "G-Car".

10. $5,650,000,000 to install a giant model train set criss-crossing America to demonstrate the viability of high speed rail.

11. $953 dollars to investigate why no suitable memorials have yet been built for the 9/11 victims.

12. $666,000 for job training and placement services for those released from Gitmo over the next year, including souvenir prayer rugs, bath towels, and jackets (featuring a picture of Richard B. Cheney with a red X through it) along with "Gitmo Cards", a credit card pre-loaded with 91,100 dollars to help with incidental expenses upon release.

That's all so far. More later, that is, if he's not detected.