Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Advice for McCain

He can repeat his performance in the last debate and lose by 5 touchdowns and a safety.

Or, he could preface every answer with a jab about every one of the taboo subjects he's so far taken off the table, such as Ayers, Wright, Pfleger, Rezko, Mansour, Dohrn, Farrakhan, Jackson, ACORN figures, Auchi, Johnson, Raines, etc. Let's give it a try:

Schieffer: I'll direct this to Senator McCain. What projects or promises would you cut in light of the current economic crisis and bailout?

McCain: Well, my friends, I certainly wouldn't cut aid to Israel like some of Mr. Obama's conspiratorial friends seem to think he will, but I digress. No Bob, my distinguished colleague across the stage has said he'd pay for his massive increase in spending via "windfall profits" taxes on the evil oil companies (which by the way he seems to think are worse than terrorists in Iraq).

So what happens if oil drops to 50 dollars a barrel and there are no windfall profits? No my friends, we need to cut waste in government first, then cut more waste. Sarah and I will cut lots of pork, matter of fact we're going to start a new program. You've heard of casual Fridays, we're going to start calling it "cutting pork Fridays".

Schieffer: Senator McCain, doesn't your health care plan cause a massive tax increase for Americans who get their health care through their employers despite your 5000 dollar tax credit?

McCain: Bob, that's what guys like Khalid al-Mansour, noted anti-semite and lawyer for one of the biggest Saudi princes, and one of Obama's sponsors for his Harvard education would like you to think. One of the main problems with health care is people not taking care of themselves, like doing drugs, something Mr. Obama has said he did around the time he left Occidental and transferred to Columbia University in New York, where nobody seems to remember him except the Pakistani druggies mentioned in his book.

But the short answer is of course not. And it will be a boon for all those folks on Main Street who are paying for their medical costs out of pocket and not subsidized by some greedy corporation or bloated government. But my plan WILL cover human beings born alive after botched abortions, treating them with the same respect my colleague would extend to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Schieffer: How about that, Senator McCain? Didn't your push for deregulation lead America down the prim-rose path to our current financial crisis?

McCain: Well Bob, guys like Tony Rezko don't have to worry about mortgages after getting millions from millionaire power brokers like Iraqi Nadhmi Auchi, who my friend Mr. Obama used to hang out with in Chicago political circles. And not everybody on Main Street has enough connections to get a sweetheart loan from Countrywide like former Obama VP search chairman Jim Johnson did, or get bonuses by cooking the books at Fannie Mae like Franklin Delano Raines, a man who was doing the same thing Enron execs are now serving prison time for and who said the Obama campaign had asked for his advice on financial matters.

But the short answer is no, my friends. I tried in vain to regulate those who were hell-bent on destroying America's financial system through sub-prime loans and Barney Frank and Chris Dodd fought me every step of the way. And contrary to what he'd have you believe, my opponent's solution to stop the bleeding at Fannie/Freddie was to write a letter. Get that? He wrote a letter. I, however, put my nuts on the line and reached across the aisle to co-sponsor legislation--you know, what we're paid to do--with Chuck Hagel

Schieffer--Senator, Chuck Hagel is in your party..

McCain--sorry, I sometimes forget.

Schieffer: Senator, isn't it time to begin pulling our troops out of Iraq and sending them to Afghanistan like Senator Obama is advising?

McCain: My esteemed colleague believed in 2002 that we should have let Saddam and his murdering sons remain in power indefinitely or until swept into the dustbin of history by some magical force, even though a war, repeated bombings and a coup had not previously worked. My esteemed colleague wanted to leave this man, who was funding the families of terrorist suicide bombers in Israel and harboring one of the 1993 World Trade Center bombers, right in the heart of the Middle Eastern terrorist swamp after the horror of 9/11 and just hope everything worked out. That's not the hope we need. But hey, his close advisers like Reverend Wright, Reverend Pfleger, Reverend Farrakhan and Reverend Jackson were all against taking actions against the dictator as were most of his elite liberal college professor friends in the neighborhood, including a couple who built a few bombs themselves back in the day and still thinks they didn't do enough.

But the answer is no Bob--we are Americans and we don't give up with our tails between our legs and run from freedom and liberty. We don't waste billions so liberal commentators can forever harp on a trillion dollar mistake and wise acre filmmakers can make cheesy unpatriotic films about it while a president is still in office, when those very same people never uttered a peep during the bombing campaign of the previous president of that same country.

No my friends, we will win in Iraq and make it a better place. We will win in Afghanistan or die trying. And we're not going to sit here and listen to you bad-mouth the United States of America! Liberty! Or Death! Fight! Fight! Fight! (begin humming the Star Spangled Banner, grab his supporters and march off the stage and out of the arena.

Never know, it might work.

Actually, of course it won't. McCain has allowed himself to be boxed into a corner by the press and the Obama campaign to where if he stays respectful the media claims he's trying to stop his angry mob from a lynching and if he goes negative, the reverse. Obama can rope-a-dope tonight's event like the last one and win big by just remaining calm, cool and collected, even if he says absolutely nothing.

McCain could try to reach down and pull out the essence of America and communicate it to the audience tonight but it will probably come across as racist and old-fashioned. He could point out that a full-scale Democrat government does not represent America's traditional values but they will say "anything is better than Bush, and you supported Bush".

That said he simply may have no chioce left but to hammer his pro-life, traditional stance, mentioning the botched abortion infanticide issue and Obama's black radical associations with the hope Obama will come out of his shell and show his rear, if even just a little bit. That would give him leverage to ask whether America needs a young whippersnapper leading the country in a time of war and financial crisis. Sad and desperate perhaps, but it's about the only card McCain has left to play.

MORE 10/15/08

Since Obama constantly plays the class envy card in explaining his tax policies perhaps McCain could bring up the NBA as an example of the evil, unpatriotic rich that Obama wants to punish for exercising their American dream.

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